to-do

Stop crying after church and home group. Make myself stop drinking Diet Coke. Spend tonight preparing for the movers to assess our amount of belongings on Thursday. Make sure I can go to Ruston next weekend. Stop worrying about the movers sorting through every single thing we own and if they'll destroy my dried wedding bouquet in the process. Get the girl from HR to respond to my "I'm leaving the state so tell me what I need to do" email. Celebrate the completion of D's life-consuming senior project. Develop my "what to do when Molly goes into labor" plan. Catch up with Meg Hope. Stop Googling furniture wants and stop watching the YouTube video of our house. Find time in our impossible schedules to meet with Rebecca. Plan the biggest graduation celebration imaginable for the most deserving graduate imaginable. Make Molly a baby wreath. Purge our belongings. Don't forget to pray for B's job search. Figure out the meaning of a "proper goodbye." Stop eating my feelings. Spend time with the Jenkins clan. Keep future-job-dreaming. Help Abs brainstorm company names. Don't give into my anxiety. Pass on job responsibilities. Attend Cait and Eric's house blessing. Quit playing phone tag with my best friends. Help D send his graduation announcements. Buy wedding gifts. Start dealing with leaving emotions. Let Noah fall asleep on my shoulder again. Stop running out of breath when walking upstairs. Celebrate Mother's Day. Clean every inch of our apartment. Find replacement for our spot on the church's nursery rotation. Stop re-reading the May issue of Country Living. Make South Carolina feel like home.

All of this and more is standing between us and our May 27th move to South Carolina. As much as endings and graduations and new houses and weddings and tiny babies tend to shower me with nostalgia that I absolutely love to swim around in, I feel as though I'm being hurried through those moments by all of this other stuff. All of these other technicalities

As someone who loves to feeeel [and who loves to make others feel as well], I'm currently fearful of not having enough time to really figure out this heart roller coaster of mine in time to be present with my emotions during the move. At the same time, I'm slightly terrified of actually allowing myself to face those emotions because, as excited as we are, saying goodbye to certain faces is going to be nothing short of traumatic.

What I absolutely don't want to happen is to let only what I feel be stress and anxiety over boxes and schedules and not having enough shower curtains. And when I expect my sinner-of-a-self to automatically rest in the Lord, I want to yell "what does that really mean?!" at the redundant, church-girl voice in my head. I should learn what that really means. I'll add it to the list.

For now, I'll remember that my seemingly out of control life is controlled by the One who controls the ticking seconds and the ever-rotating planets and each and every person's blinking eyes and beating heart. He's the same One who knows my crazy brain's need for a "proper goodbye." He's also the same One who knows what we really need and provides it. And the One who can intimidate the heck out of my ginormous very small to-do list.