It didn't really matter. September, October and November passed with no dice. In the midst of the busy holiday season, I decided to start driving myself crazy with calendars and temperatures. Friends suggested apps that had worked for them, and I picked the brains of everyone who had been successful - each one unknowingly adding to my madness with their conflicting answers. My fault, of course. It's true - every woman really is different. And I had absolutely no pattern at all.
December, January and February brought an official half a year of trying. Such a small amount of time in the lives of so many, but half a year seemed like a giant boulder to me. Halting and unmovable, getting heavier with every false symptom, every Google-search. And especially when my current doctor said she likes for her patients to try for a year before they discuss options or dig into problems. A whole year? It seemed like an eternity to my controlling, emotional self.
This time was laced with a rhythm of a few different emotions: tears because the monthly disappointment and waiting it taxing, tears because we didn't know what was wrong, moments of deciding not to care anymore and just try when we felt like it - no more calendars or Google or questions. And most of all, a steady wave of The Lord's promises. Reminding us that He works all things for the good of those who love Him even in my most faithless of moments. Reminding us that His word does not return void, that His timing is perfect.
So we decided we would continue trying and seek a different doctor to see if someone could put their finger on it. And if not, we would know that good for us meant not being able to have biological children and that we wanted His good over our blind desires. But, let's be honest, there were still tears [and a gazillion pregnancy tests]. He provided us selfless and bold friends - not afraid to ask her doctor who wasn't taking any new patients if the girl who couldn't get pregnant could be squeezed in.
I instantly knew the Lord had provided Dr. Keeton and her nurses, Mandy and Ali. They pinpointed my problem immediately - PCOS. A super fun hormonal imbalance that makes you gain weight and makes it hard to get pregnant and can cause some issues down the road if not looked after. For some reason [that even Dr. Keeton doesn't understand], a diabetic medicine helps 80% of those with PCOS conceive within three months. Praise the Lord for creating the minds of those scientists and doctors who figured that out!
Just as I had hoped I would be a part of the women that had an easy time getting pregnant [that ship, of course, had sailed], I hoped I would be a part of the 80%. Those three months were hopeful but still emotionally taxing. Waiting, just as we had done every month for the last nine, is what we continued to do. And what drove me the most crazy. But only on some days.
I had always joked to D that I couldn't even fathom looking down and seeing a positive pregnancy test after the warehouse of tests I had taken. My sister had told me that double line showed up instantly. And that was exactly my experience!
I was working from home that Monday and spent most of the day thinking on the last nine months and The Lord's goodness. I thought about how supremely out of control of this situation I was and how thankful I was that that was the case. And how realizing how out of control I was made me want to throw myself to my knees and prayer more than ever before. Right after I thought - Lord give me this urgency in all aspects of life!
I hope that next time we go through a waiting and wondering period, I'll remember how I felt that day. I thought about The Lord's plan and the last nine months. How they had seemed so long and full of heart ache and confusion. Now they seemed like nothing, like a flash. May I never forget He has a plan and that we are so undeserving to have any part of it. May I never go through these waiting periods and take away glory that He deserves.
On the last line of my journal that day I wrote, "So I will eat right, take my vitamins, and exercise. I will pray for our growing poppyseed [because, yes, I had already downloaded every pregnancy app]. But I will rest in The Lord's goodness and in His plan, whatever that may look like for Baby J. Because I don't deserve even on second of the joy I've experienced today."
Through a couple of complications healed by The Lord, that joy continues to grow and is currently a healthy 13 weeks and, Lord willing, coming February 2015!
The support and excitement from our family and friends has been overwhelming to us. We would not have wanted to journey the nine months before the big news and the nine months following without you! And thanks to our few loyal blog readers [hi mom!] for making it through this